072. midnight mass.

i like the smell of the incense they use in church on special occasions, like christmas.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

071. 香港//hong kong;

香港, 我想念你.
[hong kong, i miss you.]

070. "i always knew" - tilly and the wall.

i've lived my life inside daydream lies,
imaginary friends that always knew one day i'd leave for good.
i'll give away this girl who tried to make you fall in love,
i'll give her to you so keep her close to you.
so you won't forget about how she loved you so long ago once upon a time.
now she has grown up, and you can't take it back.

a lullaby won't change my mind, and i won't ever go back to that.
i will stay true to this belief that we've changed for the best through this.

separate the ones who know you from the ones who couldn't bother to see you for all that you are.
and deep down i always knew all the times i thought that i loved you,
it was just an easy answer, it was make believe,
but i still believe that this heart will learn to love.

069. future.

sometimes do you wonder whether the choices you make to do or not do certain things will truly benefit your future?

068. quick recap.

wow, i most certainly have not posted on my blog in a while.
so here's a quick recap of what's been going on:

+ A- and a B in my summer school classes. :)
+ paul has moved into the apartment; it's fun living with 2 of my closest friends (genevieve and paul), both of whom i know i can rely on in times of need. :)
+ we still haven't fully organized our stuff - kitchen & living room. ahhhh. but, wow, we have 3 couches and there's still tons of space! hahahaha.
+ my classes seem pretty fun/doable; it's just gonna be a lot of work. busy busy busy. must not stray this semester. must stay on task.
+ my cousin, ryan, came on thursday and he, genevieve, and i watched mae w/ as tall as lions and dear and the headlights at bottom of the hill in san francisco. fun fun.
+ i think ryan's coming back next thursday.
+ I AM OBSESSED WITH UGLY BETTY and have been lacking sleep due to watching paul's dvds of the first season and i watched the last 3 episodes yesterday and I WANT THE NEW SEASON TO START ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and last, but DEFINITELY NOT LEAST,
I AM IN SOCAL THIS WEEKEND! :) but it's going to mostly be parent-filled since i am immobile (can't drive cuz i'm not on the insurance right now -- it gets turned on during my long vacations so i can drive) and i'd like to spend more time with them :) oh, PLUS, it'll also be HOMEWORK filled seeing as tuesday and wednesday i have 36985623865 things due for all my classes.
quick cups of coffee and chat may be possible, however. :]

067. on loneliness.

academic and material satisfaction can only cover up loneliness but so much.

for the past few months, i've been reveling in my studiousness during summer school, which was an excellent distraction from the hurt and disappointment that i truly felt inside. of course, the first month of summer, which i spent at home, was naively filled with mistaken thoughts of hopefulness about apparently "false affections" that honestly seemed otherwise. and that pretty much sums up my summer of 2007.

for the past week, i've been basking in my solitude in the new apartment, seeing as paul is still in europe and genevieve is constantly gone, studying for the evil that is bio 1A. that pretty much leaves me with an empty apartment and excellent alone time. i've actually enjoyed this solitude; it's something i haven't had in a while. i didn't feel lonely or bored at all. it was rather refreshing.

tonight, however, is another story. the sense of lonesomeness that i feel is at its peak. don't get me wrong; i am not lonely for company. no, it is not that kind of loneliness, as i am still quite enjoying my solitude, but rather loneliness of the heart. perhaps it has to do with the fact that i chose to watch a movie, which was rather sappy yet had a rather sad/unsatisfying ending, alone tonight. yes, i'd say that triggered these emotions. and to be honest, as i reflected on my way home as i strolled down shattuck [street], i think i had to actually compose myself to stop tears from streaming down my face.

what does it matter that there always seems to be boys that have interest in me? that is probably the reputation i seem to have among some people, and i'll admit that to some extent that is right (although i'm not quite sure why). but honestly, what good is it when of those boys, the ones i actually fall for all abandon me once they've accomplished gaining my full and unconditional affection? it is not enough to constantly have attention; when such incidents as the aforementioned constantly happen, it only leaves the heart even emptier than ever, wondering, "why, why, why?"

i don't care. i just want to find one person with whom i have a mutual attraction to. one person to whom to give my heart and for that one person to give his heart to me. forgive me for being a hopeless romantic, but honestly, flings do no good. they do nothing. they are nothing but "ephemeral delights," as i like to say. sure, you enjoy the attention and the "affection," but it always leaves one wanting more; and unfortunately, you can't get more because once you desire to, that attention and "affection" is gone. it decides to leave. it did not want to be more than ephemeral, short-lived, brief. forget the future, it's always about the present. and themselves. who cares if you find yourself falling head over heels for him more and more so each day? it only drives them farther. it's like a balance scale: one begins at its peak and one begins at the bottom; however, once the one that began at the bottom begins to rise higher, the other begins to sink lower. once that bottom reaches its peak, it's too late - the other has reached its decline.

i'm probably going to regret writing all this mindless jargon after i post it. then i'll read it over and realize how utterly and completely idiotic and pathetic i sound ranting about said things, but whatever.

i suppose it is time to continue my math homework. on a saturday night. due monday. goodnight.

066. sinking.

and still, sometimes, when i think about it and reminisce,
it makes me sad.



it makes me really sad.






the words that try to justify do far more wrong than anything you do.



suddenly between sheets and eyelids,
i am reminded why i don't do this.
i fall in love far too quickly,
i never want her him to forget me.
when you're gone,
will you call?
will you write?




i tried it once it never caught on,
i was the only one who got burned.
i was the only one who got burned.
i was the only one who got burned.
i was the only one who got burned.

065. the format, et al.

the format show @ GAMH in san francisco on friday (aug 3) was AWESOME.

and now i can't stop listening to them.
seeing them live srsly makes me like them even more. my gosh. the energy.


and i love our new apt. and how big it is. mmm mmm good.

064. new apt.

new apartment =
[x] awesome time with cousins (and uncle!) helping move in
[x] bigger living room
[x] my own bedroom!
[x] big couch; multiple couches
[x] big tv
[x] fenton's creamery after hard day of moving (saturday)!
[x] cable tv
[x] cable internet (yes! download progs. are no longer blocked! -- HELLO SOULSEEK & TORRENT! WOO.)

how exciting!

063. movies.

so i didn't lie when i said i was going movie crazy before.

movies seen within the past two or so weeks in the order they were viewed:

01. harry potter & the order of the phoenix
02. ratatouille
03. hairspray
04. nana 2 [japanese; live-action movie, not the anime]
05. the simpsons
06. waitress
07. till i met you [filipino]
08. no reservations
09. you got me! [filipino]
10. manay po [filipino]
_{07-09 all seen back to back on monday (the filipino movies, i watched online; no reservations @ the theater. hahaha.}

and in between the above list, i have probably watched a couple of my own dvds, including what a girl wants, 10 things i hate about you, etc.

oh! and i got a netflix queue just recently (first dvd that came in - manay po. so let me know any movie suggestions you may have. :) the first 6 of my upcoming movies are filipino. hahah.



and now, i must return to studying for my math (linear algebra) midterm, which is at 2:00pm today [wednesday]. wish me luck!

062. psalms&lyrics.

give up your anger, abandon your wrath; do not be provoked; it brings only harm. (psalms 37:8)



faithfulness, faithfulness is what i long for.
faithfulness is what i need.

_{(note: i am not quoting these for the religious meanings they hold; i am quoting them to refer to people and the interactions i have with them)}

061. everything is a-ok.

i'm fine, i'm fine, these words are all i have to hide behind
lonely is as lonely does.

but good friends + white-themed picnic party in a pretty park on north side + girls night out: dinner, dessert, movie = a sane and relatively happily content denise.
so that is good.

060. will calls grace.

i just got off the phone with paul, who is still in england!
awwwwwww. that was delightful. i feel like i have so much to talk about with him, srsly.
that was great. i've missed talking to paul. :(

059. honesty.

honesty is the best policy.

058. hairspray, et al.

i watched hairspray @ long beach town center yesterday with my cousin, josephine. it was excellent! we loved the movie, the music, the acting, everything! :D *swoon* zac efron. and amanda bynes is always entertaining. after that, we had dinner with my parents at a new japanese buffet restaurant near my house. it was deliciousss! we were so stuffed. following dinner, we dropped josephine back off at UCI, then i got dropped off back at long beach town center (haha) to meet up with jason. aww, i hadn't hung out with him since senior year of high school! it was definitely nice seeing him. we walked over to chick-fil-a to say hi to dorothy and her friends, who were there for the harry potter book release. haha. after that, we had the random idea of going to UCI to visit josephine, so we did! denise's total trips to UCI on friday: 3 (picked her up, took her back, then went back with jason later). denise's total trips to LBTC on friday: 2 (for hairspray, then jason). anywayyy. i ended up talking to her neighbor again, and that was odd. i think he was drunk. he came up to her window and said to me, "hey! remember me? i serenaded you on the guitar that one day." HAHAHA. then i told him how i had learned to play "wonderwall" on the guitar too. and then he invited us over to play some guitar, but uhhh. no thanks. i wanted ice cream badly, so jason, josephine, and i went to albertson's and bought delicious ben & jerry's! on our way out of her apartment, though, funny neighbor guitar guy was alerted of our presence by his friends, and he came out in his chonies (underwear) and started doing some thrust-dancing. o_O errrr... that was... interesting. anyway, we ate our ice cream and then i had to go cuz it was already 1 in the morning, so jason dropped me off at home. :)

it was a delightful day.

today i studied for my midterm (monday), did some hw for that class, went to my grandma's house with my mom, and... yes... here i am.

back to berkeley w/ aimmee tomorrow. hm.

057. broken english.

i watched broken english tonight w/ gen and aimmee:

it was quite excellent. i've been wanting to watch it for the longest time, and it was definitely worth it. i enjoyed it a lot, in addition to the awesome company of gen and aimmee. :)

we really needed this movie. read the synopsis. heh.



p.s. i miss my indie movie buddy/other half, paul. :( wahhh. come back from england already.

056. late-night adventures.

i just got back 20 min. or so ago. jared drove genevieve and me around. it was sweet.

[x] drove up the berkeley hills in the dense fog -- that was scary
[x] stopped at lawrence berkeley lab and played on the big whale statue thing.
[x] drove down the hill in the dense fog -- scary part 2
[x] went to north side and walked around the berkeley rose garden -- dark and creepy -- and sat around there for a bit.

it was nice; a nice break from the apartment and immediate berkeley and studying and... thoughts.

good friends keep me sane.

055. combust.

it just blows your mind, doesn't it?

054. can you say...

ouch.

053. blindsided.

(nonexistent)

052. faith.

i very much enjoy enlightening, lengthy conversations about life and faith.

thanks, robert. :)

051. movies.

i'm going movie crazy.

movies seen this week:
1. transformers
2. license to wed
3. notting hill

and i bought tickets to the midnight showing of harry potter! :)

050. bridge of sighs.

paul sent me a postcard from england. i thought what he wrote was pretty cute/funny.

049. speak.

and all the roads that lead you there were winding,
and all the lights that light the way are blinding.
there are many things that i would like to say to you,
but i don't know how.

i said, "maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me,
and after all, you're my wonderwall."

048. still.

and i miss you, i miss you every single day.

047. enrique's myspace dedication.

my friend, enrique (my former co-worker at indiana jones @ disneyland), dedicated his myspace page to me!

http://www.myspace.com/enriquee

you should all go check it out! hahaha it's pretty sweet. there's a background and then a nice note to me on his page. :) aww! what a pal.

046. spontaneous socal.

due to a request from my friend, jared, to join him on the ride down to L.A., i am currently home in southern california for the weekend. hurray for lakewood! :D i got home about half an hour ago (we lost an hour due to traffic). it feels great to be home; i've been missing my parents a lot the past week.

summer school has been good. i like the feeling of being busy every day. plus, i've been working ahead every day, getting homework done two days before it's due. it's a good feeling, being on top of things.

i still have pictures to post from last week, but i've been too busy lately. perhaps i'll have time to post them sometime this weekend, but for now, that is all.

045. back in berkeley.

i'm back in berkeley @ my apartment. got dropped off by the parental units around 2:30 pm.
it's been great hanging out with genevieve (who made us a delicious dinner of salmon w/ salsa, pesto pasta with potatoes, and cobb salad), juliette, and robert, and the fifth floor kids: eric, arianne, chris l, and chris k. hurray for people who live in this building.

summer school classes start tomorrow. argh.

i miss my parents.

_{and, i still miss you.
(i'm in berkeley & everything is a reminder...)}

044. gangster; straight up g.

ryan ghost rode my volvo.


he is also convinced that he is thug. um...

043. back to berkeley.

two days and it's back to berkeley.
i'm split: i'm excited to go back and see friends, but i am sad to be leaving the comforts of home and family. *sigh*

042. homily.

i went to the 5:30pm saturday mass at st. pancratius today since i wouldn't be able to go to mass on sunday (going to san diego with the family; ryan [my cousin], his dad, and my grandparents are here at the moment). it was my first time attending mass completely alone (usually i'm with family or friends). that was an interesting experience, i suppose. introspective.

anyway, the point of this post is that i really liked this line from the homily:

we are all broken people.

---

happy father's day; speaking of fathers, mine is currently in my room playing guitar. :)

picture update on all recent events later on this week.

041. and amen to our perfect life.

it's funny how life can change at the drop of a dime.
all it takes is a little faith that everything is fine.

God grant me the serenity to
accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference.

040. the getty // the lab.

sunday, june 10, 2007
cast of characters: paul, me.
setting: the getty center, los angeles
comment: i love angles & depth.













tuesday, june 12, 2007
cast of characters: ronny, me
setting: the lab, costa mesa
comment: we had a bit too much fun with the wall paint.












i hadn't hung out with ronny in a very long time, so it was good seeing him. it's always easy to talk to him about stuff. i guess it's because he's a pretty open person and he has no problem with talking about anything that may be on his mind, so it makes me feel comfortable talking about things as well. wow, gosh, i hadn't hung out with him since senior year of high school! it was good catching up and talking, even though the majority of our topics of conversation had to do with past events.

---

and a quick text update of events - past and future:
sunday: getty w/ paul; too tired to go to LACMA - still have to do that.
monday: hung out with chris - got my car washed, ran errands, walked around lakewood mall; took my younger cousin to buy a dress for her 8th grade graduation - oh man, she's growing up.
tuesday: hung out with ronny - SamAsh for guitar accessories, the lab for urban outfitters; hung out with paul and genevieve - long beach town center: coffee @ starbucks & late night movie [mr. brooks]
wednesday: i believe i shall be hanging out with chris again, perhaps - SamAsh to return an item & whatever else the day may bring.
thursday: perhaps going to UCI to visit josephine?
friday: fantastic four: rise of the silver surfer w/ josephine & chris, possibly; paul's birthday festivities :); ryan (cousin) & his family arrive.
saturday: san diego with la familia.

039. take the reigns [roughdraft]

hopeful and naive,
i had told myself i wouldn't be that way this time,
but i never listen to myself sometimes.
the set up was perfect,
and i let myself in
                               completely
                               and with abandon.
i held back somewhat -
i let you take the reigns,
and every where you wanted to go, i went,
without objection,
                              without hesitance,
because i believed whereever you would take me,
there would always be a clear path to continue on
whatever trail we were t r e k k i n g.
but apparently there was a
fork           road,
        in the
and you let go of the reigns,
and set off onto the other path,
leaving me in the middle - not knowing what path to take.
i let you take the reigns.
i let you take the reigns.
i let you take the reigns and you were not supposed to let go,
not without showing me where the paths would lead,
not without telling me that i am not what you need.
it was unexpected of you; i did not expect this from you.
i thought you understood the fragility of a heart.
just as easily as it can skip a beat for you,
it can be broken, damaged, ripped apart.
and i don't understand how we could have felt so close,
yet now the distance, oh, the distance is so far, so far,
and i'm not talking about the miles,
but of everything that made us who we were and are.
and here i am, still waiting at that fork in the road.
i let you take the reigns.
you need to tell me
where
to
go.




_{yeah, not sure how i feel about this one. i'll probably omit a few lines and reword some here and there. hmmm...}

038. beach.

i want to spend a whole day at the beach, dig my toes into the sand, read a book, take pictures of my surroundings, just relax, bask in the sun's rays, reminisce and introspect as i look toward the horizon and stare out at the sea.

037. paano kita iibigin?

for lunch, my parents and i ate at a peruvian restaurant in gardena. mmmm, delicious.

@ 4:40, i watched a filipino movie, paano kita iibigin (how will i love you), with my mom and my aunts (her two sisters) today. awww, girls' day out. ;] the film is showing at the edwards in cerritos town center. my, that was a full-packed theater filled with filipinos! haha. oh the sappiness of that movie. hrm.


it's interesting (or predictable, i suppose) that in movies or tv shows or stories...
girl likes boy. boy likes girl. boy and girl start "dating" or "seeing each other" or "act couple-y" with each other. boy and girl exchange words of affection. they seem to be falling for each other rather quickly. everything seems to be going perfect and wonderful. all of a sudden, out of the blue, something happens and/or simply boy changes and does not like/love girl anymore or acts like he doesn't. girl tries to find out why, but boy does not give any clear reason. girl cries and is heartbroken. girl does not hear from boy afterward or things are just not the same. time goes by, whether it be days, weeks, months, even years. and then...

well, in the movies/tv shows/stories, boy realizes he made a mistake. he feels horrible that he hurt girl. and he realizes that he really does like/love her. of course girl still likes/loves him. so ta-da, tears are shed, all is forgiven, they end up happily ever after.

too bad life isn't the movies or tv shows or stories.

too bad things don't really work out that way.

it pretty much ends at 'girl does not hear from boy afterward or things are just not the same', unfortunately.


why?

---

on another note, today was good.

tomorrow's agenda:
- church w/ the parental units
- LACMA & the getty museums with paul. - i'm excited about this. i have never been to either museum. and i am sure this will be an excellent photographic rendezvous, with our digital cameras and my polaroid!

036. friends. :) [part trois]

today!
josephine slept over last night, so today i took her back to UCI. we met up with michelle again [yay!] and then met up with my friend, jiunn, who i used to work with at the indiana jones ride at disneyland [yes, he still works there and he works at big thunder mountain railroad as well! :)] josephine swiped us into brandywine, their dining commons (thanks!) and we had lunch and talked about randomness; it was quite entertaining. toward the end of our lunch, i was surprised by ronnie! he came up to me and exclaimed, "denise!" that was shocking. haha. he's a friend from high school, one grade below me we hadn't really been in touch for the past two years, and i had forgotten he went to UCI! that was nice seeing him.

after lunch, jiunn went back to work on a project, michelle left to beat traffic back home to norco, and josephine swiped us some starbucks! mmmm. we visited her future apartment building then had the spontaneous idea to go to huntington beach. too bad the 405 north was disgustingly congested with traffic. we instead went to south coast plaza and took a gander at a few stores, then called it a day. i dropped her back off at her dorm and headed home [in the traffic! argh].

i think i may be visiting UCI again next week perhaps! i can make it there in 20-25 minutes, which is awesome, and parking there is so easy. ah, and i love hanging out with those kids, especially michelle & josephine! :) (and i rarely ever see michelle too, aw! im glad i got to see her two days in a row.)

michelle loves my silly faces. :) haha.


















jiunn made a mickey out of his bread and bread bowl. :) and they were all amused at me eating a big pickle. psh. pickles are tasty. mmm. disneyland has the best ones. i miss disneyland. :(

035. friends :) [part deux]

thursday // 06.07.2007
i went to UCI [UC irvine] to meet up with michelle. i went to her spanish class with her (where i, too, did the worksheet they were working on. haha. ah, i miss learning spanish!). after that, we had lunch and talked about life, caught each other up on recent events. ah, i've missed her so much. she's another one of my closest friends; we've been close since the 6th grade! [i would have to say my friends that i've known the longest and that i'm very close with would be michelle (9 yrs.), morgan (14 yrs.), and dorothy (15 yrs. ). *smile*] afterward, we walked around campus and such and met up briefly with my friend, jeremiah, who used to work at disneyland with me. we chatted with him a bit, then i met up with my cousin, josephine, and we met up with michael (my friend from high school) and his bf (who is also named michael! aw.). got starbucks (thanks josephine! UCI has starbucks on campus, argh!) and then sat in the on campus park and talked. it was good times!

following UCI, josephine went home with me and we stopped by brian's house for a bit and played around with some stuff around the house, including this humongous sombrero that chris apparently bought the day before (why he bought it is beyond us!). too bad he's in arizona for their cousin's high school graduation so he couldn't be in on the fun. hahaha. (yes, i do hang out with my ex-bf [chris] and his older brother [brian]. haha. they are fun! :]) josephine and i then went to my house for dinner. after dinner, we went back to brian's and went with him to life plaza in diamond bar so he could meet up with his drifting friends briefly. we explored the cue! japanese photo sticker place and ended up taking picture IN the booths rather than paying money and using the actual photo booths. :p we then proceeded to guppy teahouse for some deliciousness, which was the plan since josephine had never tried it before! at one point, i dipped a piece of popcorn chicken in a LOT of chili powder and made brian eat it, therefore making him burn up and make odd faces, which were all caught on camera! :p