067. on loneliness.
academic and material satisfaction can only cover up loneliness but so much.
for the past few months, i've been reveling in my studiousness during summer school, which was an excellent distraction from the hurt and disappointment that i truly felt inside. of course, the first month of summer, which i spent at home, was naively filled with mistaken thoughts of hopefulness about apparently "false affections" that honestly seemed otherwise. and that pretty much sums up my summer of 2007.
for the past week, i've been basking in my solitude in the new apartment, seeing as paul is still in europe and genevieve is constantly gone, studying for the evil that is bio 1A. that pretty much leaves me with an empty apartment and excellent alone time. i've actually enjoyed this solitude; it's something i haven't had in a while. i didn't feel lonely or bored at all. it was rather refreshing.
tonight, however, is another story. the sense of lonesomeness that i feel is at its peak. don't get me wrong; i am not lonely for company. no, it is not that kind of loneliness, as i am still quite enjoying my solitude, but rather loneliness of the heart. perhaps it has to do with the fact that i chose to watch a movie, which was rather sappy yet had a rather sad/unsatisfying ending, alone tonight. yes, i'd say that triggered these emotions. and to be honest, as i reflected on my way home as i strolled down shattuck [street], i think i had to actually compose myself to stop tears from streaming down my face.
what does it matter that there always seems to be boys that have interest in me? that is probably the reputation i seem to have among some people, and i'll admit that to some extent that is right (although i'm not quite sure why). but honestly, what good is it when of those boys, the ones i actually fall for all abandon me once they've accomplished gaining my full and unconditional affection? it is not enough to constantly have attention; when such incidents as the aforementioned constantly happen, it only leaves the heart even emptier than ever, wondering, "why, why, why?"
i don't care. i just want to find one person with whom i have a mutual attraction to. one person to whom to give my heart and for that one person to give his heart to me. forgive me for being a hopeless romantic, but honestly, flings do no good. they do nothing. they are nothing but "ephemeral delights," as i like to say. sure, you enjoy the attention and the "affection," but it always leaves one wanting more; and unfortunately, you can't get more because once you desire to, that attention and "affection" is gone. it decides to leave. it did not want to be more than ephemeral, short-lived, brief. forget the future, it's always about the present. and themselves. who cares if you find yourself falling head over heels for him more and more so each day? it only drives them farther. it's like a balance scale: one begins at its peak and one begins at the bottom; however, once the one that began at the bottom begins to rise higher, the other begins to sink lower. once that bottom reaches its peak, it's too late - the other has reached its decline.
i'm probably going to regret writing all this mindless jargon after i post it. then i'll read it over and realize how utterly and completely idiotic and pathetic i sound ranting about said things, but whatever.
i suppose it is time to continue my math homework. on a saturday night. due monday. goodnight.
